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'Surreal Life' Cast Promises Laughs, Not Fights

It's a smoggy June day in Los Angeles, but the cast of VH1's "The Surreal Life" should be out and about, frolicking in the Hollywood Hills or getting into trouble in the Valley below. Instead, the six stars of the transplanted reality series are lounging around the house, trying their hardest to be too dull to film.

"They film us even if we're just sitting by ourselves staring at the floor," sighs Ryan Starr (formerly Tiffany Montgomery), the navel-bearing rocker from the first season of "American Idol."

It isn't that the "Surreal Life" houseguests are lazy or trying to undermine the show. They were up until the wee small hours of the morning being chased around a haunted hospital. Imagine an acid trip in which Scooby-Doo fights crime with the help of Public Enemy clock-bearer Flava Flav, former New Kid on the Block Jordan Knight, Ivan Drago's bloodthirsty wife Brigitte Nielsen, Uncle Joey from "Full House" (Dave Coulier) and "Love Boat" legend Charo, and you get a sense that VH1 wants this season of "Surreal Life" to live up to its title.

"I went down with Flav and it just killed me," says Nielsen, who retains her harshly bleached crop-top and statuesque physique. "I think I'll be suffering for a month. I didn't like it at all. I've never been that scared in my life."

Flav, who retains his gold teeth and trademark oversized timepiece even if his hair is going gray, cackles in agreement.

"It was funny to me," says the man who once explained the unreliable nature of 9-1-1 to the nation. "I ain't gonna lie. You had to see the looks on some of these faces when they got scared."

None of the men appear to have had time to shave and the women are all visibly exhausted. This wasn't what they signed on for.

"I asked my manager, I asked everybody, I said, 'What time will we be able to wake up and what time are we going to be able to go to sleep?'" Knight admits, flashing the smile that once made 12-year-old girls squeal, even if he appears noticeably larger than in his "Hangin' Tough" days. "He was like, 'Oh, everyone's in the music business, don't worry, they'll be waking up at 12 or 1 o'clock. It'll be a seven-hour day and no cameras will be allowed in your room unless you tell them to.' Which is all BS."

The more conspiracy-minded of the stars have their own theories about why the show's producers are putting undue pressure on them.

"We all know that they're doing it on purpose," scoffs Starr. "They're not feeding us on time. They're not letting us sleep on time. They're making us cold. They're making us hot. They're putting us in things that we're scared of, all to get us to lash out at one another. But instead we're understanding each other's points of view and getting angry at the production."

Charo, still capable of cuchi-cuchi-ing after all these years, agrees, "If they're looking for fights, we have a surprise for them."

A season of quirky one-time celebrities playing nice for 12 days? For shame. This can't be what VH1 had in mind when the network snagged "The Surreal Life" after two seasons on The WB.

"When I watch TV I'd rather watch people laughing and cracking jokes than seeing people fighting," Nielsen stresses. "I find that exhausting, watching TV when people continue to argue."

Fortunately, after seeing the season's first episode, it's clear that the cast protests too much. Season three of "The Surreal Life" offers all of the usual conflict that viewers expect from the genre. There's the usual amount of bickering over rooms, confrontations over personal space and alcohol-fueled tensions, as well as an entirely unexpected amount of naked Brigitte Nielsen.

Even if no hair is pulled and no eyes are clawed out, it's doubtful that fall television will offer a more unexpected romantic couple than the star-crossed duo of Nielsen and Flava Flav. But is their pairing, well, surreal? Don't ask the rapper.

"For Flav, honestly, I'm still just learning the word," he explains. "I came on here and I was asking everybody, 'What does surreal mean?' Still to this day, I don't have the full meaning of surreal. But I know one thing, I'm on the show."

Yes, Flav. Yes you are.

"The Surreal Life" premieres on Sunday, Sept. 5. at 10 p.m. ET.